3-Step Kit

Linda is a young girl harboring some insecurities. College graduation approaches and she’s nervous about speaking on stage.

Linda: (To the audience) I’m the top student in my major, and they’re inviting me to speak on stage at graduation. Normally, this would be an amazing opportunity, but I’m nervous--and sweaty. I get drenched just sitting on the couch! I’ve never been happy with anything I've done because my looks always get me down. My hair grows slower than fuzz on a naked mole rat, if I jump from a high enough distance my ears can catch air, and someone once told me I resemble a naked mole rat. Needless to say, I’m trying to tunnel out of a dark pit of emotions.

(Commercial becomes audible)

Hershey: Oh hey! Hershey Whalie here. If you want to be gorgeous and confident, I can help. Buy my Hershey Whalie 3-Step Kit, and you’ll be on track for sexy success. When calling in, ask to supersize your order, and for just 99 cents you’ll feed a hungry…person.

Linda: Hmmm…maybe that will help me. Hey, if Hershey Whalie endorses it, it’s gotta be good! (Picks up phone) Hi. I'd like to order the 3-step kit…no, I don’t want to donate 99 cents…I don’t care if she’s hungry…OK. Thanks! (Doorbell rings) Oh! The future delivery guy's here. (Opens door) Hi there.

Delivery Dude: Well, well, well... If it isn’t Linda.

Linda: Yes, hello.

Delivery Dude: (Stares at Linda intensely)

Linda: (Looks around trying to avoid intense gaze)

Delivery Dude: Don’t you wonder how I knew your name?

Linda: I presume from the shipping form.

Delivery Dude: Ugh! Sleuthed again! Your box is over there. (Gestures over there)

Linda: …could you get it?

Delivery Dude: It’s kinda big.

Linda: Are you kinda a delivery man or a delivery man?

Delivery Dude: Well, little lady…that's my secret.

Linda: What?!

Delivery Dude: LOOK! IT’S OBAMA!

Linda: Huh? Where?! Heyyy, the delivery dude’s gone.

Delivery Dude: (In the distance) Thanks Obama!

Linda: Alright. Let's see what's in this box. (Tears box open excitedly)

Coco: I've been in that box for eight weeks with a crave case. I advise burning it immediately.

Linda: Oooh, I get a person. I’ve always wanted one.

Coco: Oh hey girrrrrllll. My name is Coco and I’m here to guide you through Hershey Whalie’s 3-Step Kit. First, we need to go through some paper work. Name?

Linda: Linda.

Coco: (Writing) M’kay, Lurda. Bust size?

Linda: Pretty big!

Coco: Ohhh hun. You're a training bra if I’ve even seen one.

Linda: What can you train them to do?

Coco: Not much unless we get started. This lady here works at the Delibarn, but she gives a delectable make-over.

Deli Mama: Ni hao, yis I am the Deli Mama. Would you like to sample some sausage?

Linda: Actually, I’d like to sample the make-over.

Deli Mama: Yis, my little wiener. What are you going for?

Linda: Just tell me you can work with this. (Frames face)

Deli Mama: Yis yis, we can work off that. (Aside) Get me the big trimmer—the fuzz stopped being peachy long ago. 

(Time lapses)

Linda: Wow! I look incredible.

Deli Mama: We used grapeseed oil to moisturize.

Linda: My face smells like an Olive Garden salad.

Deli Mama: Yis, you look delicious, and your chest tapas…now exist.

Linda: Coco, how do I look?

Coco: Wha--? Who are you?

Linda: I guess I really did change. It’s me, Linda!

Coco: Oh Bimba, you look great!

Linda: Really?

Coco: I am obligated to continue laying it on thick--YEA GIRL!

Deli Mama: Awww yis, yis!

Coco: (Leading Linda away from Deli Mama) All right, Leeba! Are you ready for the next part of your transformation? You look like a walking celery stick, so we need new clothes. This here is Sebastian Pistachio.

Sebastian: Haaaii. Romper, huh? Ya look like a mature cabbage patch kid. We can rediddle this.

Linda: (Proudly) I color coordinate my closet.

Sebastian: …Imma ‘bout to color that thunder-butt red if you don’t try this on right nah, ya diddly-doo. (Shoves clothes in Linda’s direction)

Linda: (Putting clothes on behind a curtain) Where is this first outfit from?

Sebastian: Ahh yes, this is from the SpongeBob Collection. It’s sure to round out those square cheeks o’ yours.

Linda: Hey, why do you keep bringing up my butt? (Comes out with dress half-on)

Sebastian: Nothin’ but zero gravity in space is bringing that butt up. What do ya think? (As he zips her dress up)

Linda: I feel uncomfortable…OW!

Coco: How’s it going? (Linda bumps into the door)

Sebastian: (Aside to Coco) It’s a work in progress. She keeps runnin’ into door frames with her foam boobs, and I pinched her side meats in that zipper. (Linda struggles with foam chest armor) Ya look fab, ya dodo. Now for shoes: your entire foot is a blister, so let’s throw a tarp over that.

Linda: Oh man.

Coco: You look like a beautiful suburban unicorn ready to gallop into the final step.

Linda: And what’s that?

Coco: It's a jam session that will give you the attitude you need to pull off that new look.

Linda: All right, who’s singing with me?

Coco: Holographic Hall & Oates.

Linda: Whoa--really?

Coco: No, they couldn’t go for that. I’m going to sing a line from a famous song and you follow my verse. Alright, Lumba?

Linda: Let’s do this.

Coco: I’ve got some chicken in my closet…

Linda: and I don't know if no one gnaws it…

Coco: Good! So before the grease turns to mold…

Linda: I’m gonna expose it…

Coco: I’m gonna take back all 73…

Linda: 73 chicken legs to the local KFC!

Coco: H’awww! Excellent. Now try it yourself, Limpa.

Linda: Oh. Ok…I’m sorry Ms. Whalie (oooh) / You don’t need a meal / Never meant to make your stomach growl / I apologize and buy you fries…

Coco: Excuse me?

Linda: I…I thought it was funny.

Coco: You think my hunger pangs are a joke?

Linda: Wait…YOU’RE hungry? I-I’m sorry! That's all I could think of…

Coco: Yes, it seems that even with your hot make-over, fresh gear, and attitude adjustment, you’re as dense as ever.

Linda: (To audience) I felt my eyes well up. I was trying so hard to change. I ran into the Delibarn's bathroom…

Random guy: Sup lil’ boo-berry?

Linda: I then ran for the women's bathroom. I felt awful, but let’s ponder this: I’m prettier, my clothes are no longer vintage K-Mart, I have a tough attitude, but I’m still the same Linda. I can't pull off this charade any longer, and the scent of warm turkey water is choking me. (Walks back out) Coco, I tried to improve something that didn't need improvement. All these superficial qualities don't change the kind of person I am deep down. Thanks for all you’ve done, but I love myself, and I love rompers. I will never stop romping.

Coco: Oh, Lando. I wish I was an “A” like you.

Linda: Well, getting good grades takes a lot of…

Coco: No, not your grades. An “A”…like your bra size.

Linda: Oh haha. Yep. Now that I admitted my flaws, I think you should come to terms with something you've been hiding…

Coco: No, girrrlll…

Linda: Come on, Coco! You can do it.

Coco: (Whisper) No, girrrrlll.

Linda: Coco, say it!

Coco: (Takes off hat) OK! I’m actually Hershey Whalie and I’d like that 99 cents now.

Linda: I knew it was a scam!

(Scene changes to graduation ceremony. Linda giving her speech) 

Linda: …I overcame my insecurities and I believe in my own greatness. I’m looking at everyone in the crowd, and I admire your greatness as well. (Applause)

Deli Mama: (Tearing up) Yis, that was so very nice. Salami is flying everywhere!

Linda: Well, if you would just eat with your mouth shut. Hershey, I think we're done here.

Hershey: Hold on, Kafuna.

Linda: It’s Linda!

Hershey: Oh yes, you are Linda. What are you going to do now?

Linda: I'm going to star in a soap opera of course.

Hershey: Which one?

Linda: The Young…and the Breastless.

THE END