Be Cool, B

[This is a diary entry written by Bowser where he recalls past attempts in wooing Peach.]

September 26, 1996

Sunny with scattered clouds

MAAAN, why is Peach looking at me like that? It’s like the face of a kidnapping victim! I work hard to make things right for us. I tidy up my castle, I give the car a nice polish, and I send the kid out to do some painting--all to make her feel at home. After all this time, doesn’t she realize this is where she belongs?

I admit, I tried unsavory tactics, but I can show a sweet side, too. I was BEGGED to join this recreational kart-racing group where my top speed TORE. IT. UP. How? Because I’m HUUUGE! Mwahahaaa!

I used to work alone. It…was lonely. Spitting fire at no one, jumping around like a mad-man… What was I thinking? Well, I wasn’t, so I needed a break. Especially with those two wimpy dudes--Mario and Luigi--sabotaging me. Those two brothers dressed like toddler clothing salesmen—I should jump over THEM! Game over, losers! But it’s never game over. They somehow keep resurrecting and causing me grief. YAAARGGH! I have to figure out what that resurrection trick is…

After I took some time off to re-evaluate my life, I came back feeling refreshed and ready to win my girl’s favor. I recruited some new minions to join my team—they just love being mean! Pfft. Still wasn’t enough to convince Toadstool this was fate. I set myself up in an even bigger castle surrounded by the full force of an army, those dudes come barging in, and she decides to run off to some island with them. I have this booming start-up, sending my fledglings out to travel the world, and I’m just some brute to her. BLAAARGH!

So, I took my team to that island because what girl doesn’t love persistence. Those two dopes, dressed like they’re about to bury their heads in a leaking toilet, were passed out on the beach. They brought MY girl to this dangerous island that could be inhabited by dinosaurs for all I knew. Ahhh nope, not on my watch, small fries. After rescuing her, we headed to my new island getaway. I built this sweet castle with my freakin’ name in neon lettering. (Pro-tip: chicks dig neon displays). There was this nut job bat that wouldn’t stop flying around the turrets. BAH! I hate persistence!

I gave my girl the keys to my awesome ride and told her she can fly anywhere she wants. She’s peeved saying that flying around that one back room is “weird” and I’m “weird” and she’d wait for her friends to pick her up. WHAT?! Those chumps would be better off becoming doctors overnight than trying to break into my…and she’s gone. WHAT THE… NOOO! Be cool, B. Don’t let the minions see you lose your cool.

Here we are today. I returned home after that terrible vacation and smelled something sweet: strawberries, cherries, FRAGRANT TEA? My snout led the way, and what do you know, after all our fights, my girl baked a cake for me. I entered her castle and WHOA—she put up some new paintings. None of them were portraits of me, but you know, just happy to be back together. I hurried upstairs to see her and—MAAAAN, why is she looking at me like that, AGAIN?! I’m not gonna let anyone get in the way this time! I call the troops to fortify my defenses, capture the castle’s stars—there’s 70, definitely—and keep my girl safe at the tallest tower…in a stained glass window. It just makes sense, OK? Those two ’staches won’t be able to get further than the front yard. They’ll need a whole lot more than the two of them to mess with me anymore. Gwa ha haaa… Did I hear the front door open? Did we seriously not lock the door?!

King of the Koopas,

Bowser