Department Updates

Stephen - Dept. VP

Jonathan - Manager

Angela - Asst. Manager

Allen - HR Supervisor

Lori - Team Lead

Claire - Employee 

Ian - Employee

Louis - Ex-employee (no talking lines)

INT. LOCATION: Morning at an office, team meets in a bland conf room.

STEPHEN

All right, all right. Good morning, everyone. We’ll get to our usual quarterly team building exercise, but first let’s go through the employee survey results, and most importantly, tell you how your leadership team is going to address any items below our benchmark. Angela, kick us off with the washroom survey.

ANGELA

All right! Good morning, team! It means a lot to hear such candid discourse about what we’re doing well, aaaand where we can improve. You all are loving the addition of white noise in the bathroom; however, you’re not loving that the white noise turns into an adult man crying softly in the vents after 5 o’clock. We are looking into identifying the crying man and helping him seek counseling.

IAN

[whispers] What the hell…

ANGELA

Also, you all are raving about the newly installed bidets; however, many of you do not like the welts you’ve received from the water’s 70 mph flow. Understandable. Further, you did not like that we had a mandatory bidet safety meeting, with an inside the toilet cam showing the proper angle, pressure, and position for bottoms. And even further, you did not like that we used two bags of peanuts in burlap sacks to represent the human bottom. And even more further, you really did not like the free peanuts we distributed during the safety meeting. They were wet, and for that, we apologize.

IAN

Uh… So, what’s going on with the man in the vents?

STEPHEN

Thank you all for your patience with the damp nuts. Allen, how ‘bout the extracurricular updates?

ALLEN

All riiight. Good morning, everyone! So, first things first, it’s clear that you all are loving the new gym bags. We hit that one out of the park. But, over 90% of you are NOT happy when you found out the gym bag costs came out of your paychecks at a premium. That was a huge oversight on our part. We’re also looking into the heavy sighs heard coming from the gym vents. 

CLAIRE

[whispers] Are you kidding?

ALLEN

Also, you guys love the idea of having a monthly team lunch. However, some of you were disappointed when you arrived and found out it was a BYOB situation. As in, bring your own bread. We only supplied the deli meats, cheeses, and beer. Some of you got creative making charcuterie plates, and some of you stapled ham slices to my office door. Well, I heard you loud and clear. Next time, we’ll order salami.

CLAIRE

Um, hi. Why is there sighing coming from the gym vents?

STEPHEN

That’s a great idea with the salami, Jonathan. Allen, get us started with the good stuff: the employee perks!

ALLEN

All righty! Good morning, work family! Some wins: you all are loving the idea of massages. Unfortunately, we had a bad start when our in-office masseuse. Considering we’re only doing 15-minute sessions, the fact that the masseuse used 10 of those minutes to rub their hands together for warmth was disappointing. Several of you also mentioned hearing heavy sighs and soft crying during your sessions and that it was distracting, so we will address that.

IAN

Wait, so those noises are coming from the massage room vents, too?

CLAIRE

[whispers to Ian] No… I’m pretty sure the masseuse and the vent dude are the same person.

ALLEN

As your management team, we understand your frustration, so on our senior leadership trip to Hawaii next week, we will review this topic.

STEPHEN

Really excited about this trip for the five of us. We can’t wait to get back and, yes, we’ll bring a can of macadamia nuts to share! OK, to wrap up the survey results, let’s check in with Lori, our trusty office assistant!

 

LORI

All right, all right… Good morning, colleagues. The new on-site daycare option for kids is a huge hit. Unfortunately, you are not liking the fact that the kids are in charge of the dog daycare. And you all really don’t like the arts and crafts we’re doing. Just a reminder, they are dogs, so unless your dog is named Leonardo DaVinci, don’t expect a Picasso! Oh, and yes, we did find out who was telling the kids to bring the dog poops home with them.

CLAIRE

What? Finally! I bet it was the same dude sighing and crying in the vents.

LORI

Hey, Louis? Why don’t you come in here? 

Louis walks through the conference room door.

CLAIRE

Wait. Louis isn’t the masseuse, but I recognize him… 

LORI

Louis is our former night cleaner. He’s out of a job now because of our new cleaning policy, and we suspect he’s the one who’s been making all those noises throughout the building. As a consolation, he agreed to stop haunting the office, and he agreed as long as we let him participate in our team building exercise.

STEPHEN

All right! Well, that about wraps it up for the survey, so we can dive into our team building exercise now. Everyone grab a scrub brush and start cleaning Louis. Thanks, everyone!

//BLACKOUT