CAST:
A receptionist
Terrence Williams
Shannon Brown
Tony Allen
Desiree Allen
Ronald Glen "Big Baby" Davis
Poor Fred
INT: Doctor’s office waiting room with focus on reception area. All these NBA players in their respective uniforms are waiting to be called up.
[The receptionist is talking to another employee]
RECEPTIONIST
Yes, I agree that we have to be on our guard because of this whole insurance fraud thing with those basketball players. … OK, who’s next?
[Terrence Williams approaches the counter.]
TERRENCE
Hi. Terrence Williams here for my check-up.
RECEPTIONIST
OK, looks like you’re here for your annual physical, a few X-rays, some physical therapy, and...clubfoot correction. Hmm… [judgy tone] Clubfoot correction, eh. Gonna get that corrected, huh?
TERRENCE
Yep. It’s really getting bad.
RECEPTIONIST
Yes, and it seems you were here last week for a few procedures as well. Would you like to pay your outstanding bill now?
TERRENCE
No, no. I’ll do these and then do the lump sum later.
RECEPTIONIST
OK, well, then go in; the nurse will bring you back to the exam room.
TERRENCE
Thanks.
[Terrence walks through the doors, nodding and smiling toward the other players]
RECEPTIONIST
OK, next!
[Shannon approaches the desk]
SHANNON
Good afternoon, ma’am. Shannon Brown for my 2 o’clock appointment.
RECEPTIONIST
Great, let's get you checked in. Looks like you’re here for an annual physical, a few X-rays, some physical therapy, some quizzical therapy, Tennessee elbow correction, a tiny mammogram, and an assisted enema.
SHANNON
Hmmm… Yep, that all sounds correct.
RECEPTIONIST
Sir, I don’t believe we offer assisted enemas here. Are you sure this list is correct? We have been dealing with some false claims lately.
SHANNON
Uh, yes, ma’am. I see a specialist in this clinic; he does things outside of the norm.
RECEPTIONIST
Outside of the norm...sure. But I can’t inquire further because of HIPAA laws.
SHANNON
Oh, yeah. That’s right. Why am I even telling you what I’m here for?
RECEPTIONIST
It’s for the--! You..you just do it, OK?
SHANNON
Yes’m, sure. Can I go in now? My Tennessee elbows are killing me.
RECEPTIONIST
Yeah, yeah. Go ahead.
SHANNON
Damn, damn damn!
[Shannon walks through the doors. Tony and Desiree Allen approach the counter.]
RECEPTIONIST
OK, who’s next?
DESIREE
Hi there. Checking in for Tony and Desiree Allen. We’re here for our 2:15 appointment.
RECEPTIONIST
Ah, so you’ll be joining your husband for his appointment today?
DESIREE
Oh, no, no. We’re doing a combo. I dunno, something with the insurance. HMO rule or some nonsense. It’s too confusing for us.
RECEPTIONIST
Seems so. OK, so for Tony I have you down for your annual physical, some X-rays, a D-section, a spacemaker, a possible migraine, scrotal confusion, weight loss study, weight gain support, a yearlong sleep study, and an extra X-ray. Wait-- whaaaat is an extra X-ray?
TONY
You know, when they put that big heavy cloak on you for the X-rays but the cloak is extra heavy so you buckle under the weight and then they have to resuscitate you and, you know, that’s an extra cost.
RECEPTIONIST
OK, I’m going to have to check on that. I don’t think that’s a thing.
TONY
No, no, that’s definitely a thing. I’m here like every other week. My scrotal confusion is pretty much chronic at this point.
RECEPTIONIST
Scrotal confusion. OK...Mrs. Allen, let’s ensure we’ve got you checked in: Your annual physical, some X-rays, a colonoscopy, a spinal tap, a led zeppelin, a reverse colonoscopy, thumb war PTSD counseling, a urethra franklin, and looks like they want to double-check that paper cut you got last month.
DESIREE
Yes, and I do need to update my paperwork…
RECEPTIONIST
Now, Mrs. Allen, I’m not a medical professional, but you’re just asking for trouble if you want to fill out that paperwork before you get that paper cut re-examined.
DESIREE
Fair enough. I’ll do that afterward.
RECEPTIONIST
Well, I can’t stop you, so you both can head in.
[They walk through the doors, giggling quietly. Big Baby walks in.]
Who’s next...looks like someone called Big Baby?
RONALD GLEN “BIG BABY” DAVIS
Oh, that’s me. That’s my nickname. Ronald Glen “Big Baby” Davis here for my test results.
RECEPTIONIST
Yes, we got all the results from your last visit. You were negative for peanut butter fingers, scarlet beaver, popeyes chicken pox, hand-foot-mouth pleasing, and...Big Baby, I’m sorry, but...you’re cancer diagnosis came back positive.
RONALD GLEN “BIG BABY” DAVIS
Haha, yep, yep… WAIT, WHAT?
RECEPTIONIST
You’re positive, Big Baby, for cancer.
RONALD GLEN “BIG BABY” DAVIS [slowly getting more and more anxious]
Wait, are you serious?! I...was just making a list for… for… Why did I lie about this?! I mean, will insurance even cover that??
RECEPTIONIST
OH, sorry. I misread it. You’re positive for kidney bean stones. You just need to pee those out.
RONALD GLEN “BIG BABY” DAVIS [calming down]
Wait, for real? Not cancer?
[receptionist shakes her head]
Oh, thank god! Oh, thank god! OK, I’m gonna turn a new leaf, right after I squeeze these beans out for cash!
RECEPTIONIST
Uh. Glad to hear, Mr. Baby.
[BABY exits thru door. A man comes in, hands hovering over his crotch]
RECEPTIONIST
*sighs* I can’t tell the truthful claims from the lies anymore. Hi, can I help you?
POOR FRED
Hello, miss. I’m here to check in.
RECEPTIONIST
Do you have an appointment?
POOR FRED
Yes, my appointment is at 2:30; I think I’m early.
RECEPTIONIST
OK, what are you here for?
POOR FRED
Urethra Franklin... I know it sounds crazy, but I’m pretty sure I have it.
RECEPTIONIST
OK, the gig is up. That’s not a real disease.
POOR FRED
What? Yes, it is! Listen…
[camera pans to Fred’s crotch]
[FRED’S CROTCH in Aretha Franklin muffled voice]
~ R-E-S-P-E-C-T ~
RECEPTIONIST
Wha-- OK, right this way, sir.
BLACKOUT
Have big baby have URETHA FRANKLIN, not cancer and it ends with
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