[Donald Trump approaches the podium from a very level ramp, his gait slow as the MCs begin.]
DINA
Welcome to the first Trump rally since February. Back then were very different times. Coronavirus was known less offensively as the China virus. And we lost the great institution of Boy Scouts due to bankruptcy and some other minor indiscretions, right Ted?
TED
That’s right, Dina. That was four short months ago, so it’s time to once again congregate and proliferate. I’m looking out in the crowd, and you all are packed like sardines in this stadium, and I couldn’t be more proud. (Shot of crowd waiting for Black Friday store to open) Oh, look, the president is winding up for a strong finish…
[DT trots the last couple steps, cuts to a shot of Bruce Jenner running through the finish line. The crowd goes wild.]
DONALD TRUMP (OUT OF BREATH):
Thank you, thank you. Did you see that all-out dash at the end? Lamestream media won’t tell you this, but I’m one of the greatest walkers in the world. You know that mom that walks fast around your neighborhood with ankle weights like she has to get to a bathroom toot sweet? She’s no match for Darting Donny. That’s what they called me in gym class. I was part of a kid gang called the Bone Spur Bros.
DINA
OK, hold on a second, this is the moment we’ve been waiting for: President Trump is drinking water. With two…no…ONE HAND.
[THE CROWD GOES WILD]
TED
This is what the crowd wanted. And he delivered. GOD IS GOOD but Trump is arguably better.
DONALD TRUMP
Well, the great people of Tulsa are here to make America great again… It’s a blowout showing, as usual. Biggest crowd ever assembled in Oklahoma. So big, we had to create a second stage outside, which is now being used as a testing facility for this very event. We have great testing, folks. But if you don’t get tested, you don’t get Covid—it’s simple. (tosses glass of water off stage, breaking /splashing a man, the man weeps happily yet gently with other taking a photo of him)
DINA
The president threw the water glass off stage. And hold on… He’s now eating one of the recently revived five-dollar footlongs from Subway.
TED
President Trump single handedly created thousands of jobs to support this promotion.
DINA
How many hands around that massive manwich, Ted? Because you can’t single hand a sandwich that big. We know his hands are huge, it’s frankly surprising he ever needs to use both.
TED
You won’t believe this, Dina. He’s not using EITHER HAND. Why tire out those large, powerful hands for holding big, thick bibles when your feet are just as huge. And guess what? Now everyone in America has a foot AND food fetish.
DINA
And that’s already on top of the long tie affixiation fetish.
DONALD TRUMP
Some of you are wearing masks, some choosing not to—I choose not to. I don’t need to because my immune system is so strong. So strong, I have a staff infection. And by that I mean, several of my staff members called off sick today. (Looking over at Dr. Birx.) Could you check on that…check if there’s something going around? Thank you. (A priest approaches the stage.)
TED
OK, we’ve got a priest presenting the Communion wine.
[DT waves both hands away and takes the shot with his mouth. Cut to crowd at Jersey Shore going nuts at a rave.]
DINA
As we know, President Trump does not drink alcohol, but for the Lord, Donald will claim to do anything in his name.
DONALD TRUMP
As you all know, the left-wing extremists didn’t want us here. They’re having their riots, their petitions, their parent teacher conferences, and their hootenannies. Double standard. Double standards from the drifty dems. They’re drifting so far to the left, they want to turn this nation into a Chuck E. Cheese. They want handouts for participating in their silly games. But I won’t let the good name of Pasqually P. Pieplate be tarnished. He’s a hard-working chef and he even lets me play with his balls… The balls in the pit. It’s called a ball pit. That’s what they call it. Hold on, I need to take my daily hydrogen peroxide. (Pops pill)
DINA
Oh, looks like he needs to take some pills. (Trump looks around for something to chase his pills.) But how is he gonna get that down, he threw his glass without his usual divine foresight of knowing it would be needed again.
TED
Look! Someone just threw applesauce on the stage. That’s a nice, thick remedy, and without a spoon it’s best to hold the cup with both hands…and no he’s not doing it!(DT takes shot of applesauce)
MY GOD the crowd can’t handle this. (shot of crowd weeping tears of joy from one of those PBS sermons)
DONALD TRUMP
There are unsubstantiated rumors out there saying that Kpop fans--or as I call them Karate Poppers—bought seats with NO INTENTION of coming. I’m very good friends with the Korean people—they love me and I love their geishas. Yes, the geishas of the orient. A beautiful history. The fake news wants you to believe I have beef with the kpop fans, but the only beef I have is served with broccoli and a side of lo mein.
TED
Looks like the president is about to wrap up.
DONALD TRUMP
I’m looking at this huge crowd (cuts to shot of Phantom Menace opening day at the theater). And the litigious (pronounces light-uh-jis) left wants you to think you’re not here. But you are. And thank you for signing those beautiful pieces of paper saying that you won’t let a cotton swab near your nose for the rest of 2020. The fine print is just that—fine, good-looking words. The best words. And with that, I will now ascend the ramp. God bless these (slurred) reunited cakes.
DINA
And that’s a wrap, Ted. The president putting his money where his mouth is and taking on the difficult journey off the stage, up the ramp, to what we assume is halfway to heaven.
(Camera on commentators pans to Donald Trump. He climbs into that wheelchair seat that old people take to go up the stairs.)
TED
Oop, sorry we cut to the wrong feed. (camera pans back) That was President Trump…
DINA
…testing out that wheelchair! He likes to check things out from time to time…
