Man Lied About Losing Five LBs After BM

SAN MATEO, CA—Tensions reached a high at the downtown office of Nash & Banger Law when senior partner Frank Nash, 44, joked about losing five pounds after his morning BM during a meeting. “Look, I get that it may have seemed like five pounds, but it’s impossible,” said colleague Sandy Peets, 35. “First, there are no scales in the work bathroom. Is he bringing in some portable scale from home? Second, I brought in a portable scale from home to test the theory. I didn’t lose any weight, and I somehow gained a pound. Everyone’s telling me it’s muscle mass, but I’m not so sure.”

Peets wasn’t the only colleague frustrated by Nash’s lies. Nash’s partner of 15 years, Cliff Banger, threatened to break up the law office. “Frank knows I’m trying to lose weight right now. For him to dangle such an enticing weight-loss story with no evidence just boggles me. How come the toilets are running just fine, huh?” 

The American Bar Association is currently reviewing Nash’s law license, and he may be subject to passing both a moral character evaluation and an ethics examination. The only way Nash can clear his name is if a witness comes forward to corroborate the claim that he did indeed drop a five-pound BM.

Plastic Bag Full Of Plastic Bags Missing From Local Grandma's Kitchen

PEORIA, IL—It was any old Thursday morning for Mae Griffin, 68. Let the dog out, pour the coffee, take the garbage to the curb—a typical routine for which many are familiar. That is, until Griffin went to replace the liner for her kitchen trash bin. Peering into the cabinet, which exclusively housed a bag full of various plastic bags, all Griffin saw was the empty void. “I don’t know what happened,” she said. “I’ve been accumulating bags from grocery stores the past 60 years, and all of a sudden, they’re all gone overnight. BOOM!” Griffin explained all the various uses she had for the versatile home staple. “Picking up dog poop, organizing loose legos, prepping for an impromptu water-balloon fight—I’m ready for anything. But this Thursday, I lost everything.”

Among the missing bags were various Target bags from the era when they were extra thick, the Aldi bags with the wide handles, the Wal-Mart bags with the Roll Back slogan on them, and even some bags from defunct stores like Montgomery Ward and Marshall Field. “I can’t replace those! There hasn't been a K-Mart near me since 1989.” she said.

Local police explained to Griffin that she can keep her garbage in other household items—like empty tissue boxes, empty planters, and even the empty trash bins. "We know it's a burden not to have the plastic bag liner," said Sergeant Stokke, "but we're sure Ms. Griffin will be back on her feet soon."

Griffin confirmed that if she started getting her weekly groceries double-bagged, she would be fully restocked in about a month.

Toilet Flaps

CAST: A narrator, a woman, a man (both actors non-speaking)

INT: Office hallway setting, woman walks into empty restroom.

NARRATOR

[Woman looks around bathroom, specifically under the stalls]

The coast is clear. It’s early morning at work and it’s time for your most important meeting and no one’s in attendance but you--just the way you like it.

[Woman closes stall door, drops trou, and takes a seat]

But just as you’re about to start, someone comes in, triggering your shybutt.

[Another woman walks into the bathroom to apply makeup in front of the mirror. Woman mouths COME ON and looks around frustratingly.]

How are you supposed to perform with another person here?

[Woman starts to get up]

HOLD ON. Get your confidence back with Toilet Flaps!

[Woman looks at camera, stunned]

That’s right! Toilet Flaps, with its portable plop and swing design, is your partner in crime when it’s time to discreetly drop a deuce at work.

[Cut to demonstration of woman showing the steps as they happen]

Simply lift the toilet lid, apply the toilet flaps around the toilet’s rim, put the lid back down, and bon voyage. Take a seat and fire away as Toilet Flaps’ swing tops brace the gravity of your turds, allowing them to gently descend into the water, without that embarrassing PLOP. With turds this incognito, you can slide into your hot colleague’s DMs, while your poops gracefully slide to their watery destination.

[Woman looks at camera, pleased]

[Camera view changes to a man on toilet]

But the uses for Toilet Flaps don’t stop there: Say the bathroom is clear, and you can release at will. Unfortunately, you’re dropping artillery so heavy... 

[Man expressing that he’s feeling water splash on his butt]

...they crash into the water like Free Willy escaping Seaworld. This causes embarrassment every time you leave the bathroom. 

[Man leaves bathroom with wet marks on the butt of his khaki pants, colleagues pointing and whispering. He goes back to the bathroom, looks at his bottom in the mirror and groans.]

But thanks to Toilet Flaps, your cheeks are safe. What goes in will not splash back out thanks to the drop-and-swing design. 

When you’re done, simply lift the seat up... 

[flaps have visible tire streaks]  

...pull Toilet Flaps off the bowl, and place it back in your bag. It’s easy!

So, whether you need to hide that you’re taking a crap, or protect your hide from a poop geyser, get Toilet Flaps today!

Advertising Meeting (Ham Series)

CAST: Harry Jr. – 25, Christine – 34, Candice - 44, Mick - 41

EXT VIEW: Shot of office building with Honey Baked Ham Co. sign.
INT: Office setting, colleagues sitting around a table in a boardroom.

CANDICE

All right, team. We need a breakthrough ad campaign this year, so we’re open to pretty much any ideas to bring Honey Baked Ham back to table center this holiday season. I trust you all brainstormed and have some new, UNIQUE ideas. Mick, how about you go first?

MICK

OK, so picture this: Early Christmas morning, kids are still in bed, the wife resting peacefully. Husband tip-toes down the stairs prepared to nibble on the treat the kids left for Santa. That treat? A prime center ham slice, cured and smoked to honey-baked perfection. Dad takes a few bites, just enough to let the kids know that Santa was there, and he was very pleased. Santa’s a bit sloppy, though, so dad trickles some ham specks across the table and a sloppy squirt from his trusty pocket mustard, which is a festive holiday red. That’s right! We’re partnering with Heinz to make crimson mustard for Holiday 2021!

CANDICE

Oh, wow, Mick. Good stuff. Onto something with that red mustard. Gonna really throw the ketchup folks in a tizzy. Christine, what’ve you got?

CHRISTINE

OK, so picture this: We open to the nativity scene, the day that Jesus was born. The three wise men come in one by one, offering three gifts to Jesus’ mom and dad. The first, the gift of cheesy scalloped potatoes. The second, a green bean casserole with a french onion topper. The third, and final gift, a jar of cranberry gelatin, a delicacy even back in the BC. The Virgin Mary and Normal Joseph express their gratitude for the bountiful side dishes. Each dish is placed around the manger, and the camera pans above the manger revealing: BABY HAM JESUS. He was the savior all along.

CANDICE

Christine, sweet Sunday sermon that was moving. And I venture we’ll move some hams, too! Great work as always. OK, Harry, I know it’s your first pitch meeting, but you’ve got this.

HARRY

Um… Yes, I’m not sure I fully understood the assignment, but here we go: So, the video opens on the foyer of a barely decorated home. It pans to the hallway, equally bare, and then to the living room, with just a couch, a floor lamp, and a TV. It shows a man staring blankly at the TV. The doorbell rings, he gets up, walks--broken and defeated--toward the door. He opens it, his friend smiling and he’s got a golden-wrapped ham in hand.

CANDICE

Harry, let me stop you right there. I know you’ve only been at this agency a short time, but what was that? Did you even look at the deck?

HARRY

Yeah, I mean, I guess I was trying to elicit the feeling of coming to a friend in need during the holidays.

CANDICE

Christine, can you tell me what’s missing from Harry’s pitch?

CHRISTINE

Hmmm… Harry, I guess the question is, how are you gonna leave out the star player, the award winner, the VIP? And where’s the intrigue?

HARRY

The friend is carrying a ham. I guess it’s not mysterious.

CHRISTINE

HAROLD!! Please tell me this isn’t your only pitch today.

HARRY

Well, yeah… I mean, no, no. I can come up with something. OK, picture this: A little boy is… waiting in line for Santa at the mall with his… mom and dad, yeah! And the kid in front hops off Santa, giddy with excitement having told Santa her Christmas wishes. The little boy quietly approaches Santa, and climbs upon his knee. “HO-HO-HO, little one. What would YOU like for Christmas this year,” Santas exclaims. The boy shakes his head and looks to his parents. They nod to the boy, the mom mouthing “believe.” The boy says, “Well, Santa…” and he whispers into Ol’ Saint Nick’s ear. Santa gasps, a tear falling down his cheek. “I think… I think that can be arranged.” Fast-forward to Christmas morning with the little boy approaching the family room--the gifts are out, and the stockings full. Santa arrived. As the boy scans the room, there’s one GIANT stocking dripping. He grabs the stocking and dumps it on the floor. It was filled with a 10-lb honey baked ham. He rejoices and gives the ham a hug. The little boy looks out the window. We see Santa driving away in the honey baked ham van. That’s right, we’re delivering ON Christmas day in collaboration with Fed-ex.

CHRISTINE

Whoa. Harry, I only have one comment.

HARRY

A- and what is that?

CHRISTINE

Honey Baked Ham is going to be the Tickle Me Elmo of the season.

[cuts to end screen of Toys R Us catalog with a honey baked ham on the cover]

Department Updates

Stephen - Dept. VP

Jonathan - Manager

Angela - Asst. Manager

Allen - HR Supervisor

Lori - Team Lead

Claire - Employee 

Ian - Employee

Louis - Ex-employee (no talking lines)

INT. LOCATION: Morning at an office, team meets in a bland conf room.

STEPHEN

All right, all right. Good morning, everyone. We’ll get to our usual quarterly team building exercise, but first let’s go through the employee survey results, and most importantly, tell you how your leadership team is going to address any items below our benchmark. Angela, kick us off with the washroom survey.

ANGELA

All right! Good morning, team! It means a lot to hear such candid discourse about what we’re doing well, aaaand where we can improve. You all are loving the addition of white noise in the bathroom; however, you’re not loving that the white noise turns into an adult man crying softly in the vents after 5 o’clock. We are looking into identifying the crying man and helping him seek counseling.

IAN

[whispers] What the hell…

ANGELA

Also, you all are raving about the newly installed bidets; however, many of you do not like the welts you’ve received from the water’s 70 mph flow. Understandable. Further, you did not like that we had a mandatory bidet safety meeting, with an inside the toilet cam showing the proper angle, pressure, and position for bottoms. And even further, you did not like that we used two bags of peanuts in burlap sacks to represent the human bottom. And even more further, you really did not like the free peanuts we distributed during the safety meeting. They were wet, and for that, we apologize.

IAN

Uh… So, what’s going on with the man in the vents?

STEPHEN

Thank you all for your patience with the damp nuts. Allen, how ‘bout the extracurricular updates?

ALLEN

All riiight. Good morning, everyone! So, first things first, it’s clear that you all are loving the new gym bags. We hit that one out of the park. But, over 90% of you are NOT happy when you found out the gym bag costs came out of your paychecks at a premium. That was a huge oversight on our part. We’re also looking into the heavy sighs heard coming from the gym vents. 

CLAIRE

[whispers] Are you kidding?

ALLEN

Also, you guys love the idea of having a monthly team lunch. However, some of you were disappointed when you arrived and found out it was a BYOB situation. As in, bring your own bread. We only supplied the deli meats, cheeses, and beer. Some of you got creative making charcuterie plates, and some of you stapled ham slices to my office door. Well, I heard you loud and clear. Next time, we’ll order salami.

CLAIRE

Um, hi. Why is there sighing coming from the gym vents?

STEPHEN

That’s a great idea with the salami, Jonathan. Allen, get us started with the good stuff: the employee perks!

ALLEN

All righty! Good morning, work family! Some wins: you all are loving the idea of massages. Unfortunately, we had a bad start when our in-office masseuse. Considering we’re only doing 15-minute sessions, the fact that the masseuse used 10 of those minutes to rub their hands together for warmth was disappointing. Several of you also mentioned hearing heavy sighs and soft crying during your sessions and that it was distracting, so we will address that.

IAN

Wait, so those noises are coming from the massage room vents, too?

CLAIRE

[whispers to Ian] No… I’m pretty sure the masseuse and the vent dude are the same person.

ALLEN

As your management team, we understand your frustration, so on our senior leadership trip to Hawaii next week, we will review this topic.

STEPHEN

Really excited about this trip for the five of us. We can’t wait to get back and, yes, we’ll bring a can of macadamia nuts to share! OK, to wrap up the survey results, let’s check in with Lori, our trusty office assistant!

 

LORI

All right, all right… Good morning, colleagues. The new on-site daycare option for kids is a huge hit. Unfortunately, you are not liking the fact that the kids are in charge of the dog daycare. And you all really don’t like the arts and crafts we’re doing. Just a reminder, they are dogs, so unless your dog is named Leonardo DaVinci, don’t expect a Picasso! Oh, and yes, we did find out who was telling the kids to bring the dog poops home with them.

CLAIRE

What? Finally! I bet it was the same dude sighing and crying in the vents.

LORI

Hey, Louis? Why don’t you come in here? 

Louis walks through the conference room door.

CLAIRE

Wait. Louis isn’t the masseuse, but I recognize him… 

LORI

Louis is our former night cleaner. He’s out of a job now because of our new cleaning policy, and we suspect he’s the one who’s been making all those noises throughout the building. As a consolation, he agreed to stop haunting the office, and he agreed as long as we let him participate in our team building exercise.

STEPHEN

All right! Well, that about wraps it up for the survey, so we can dive into our team building exercise now. Everyone grab a scrub brush and start cleaning Louis. Thanks, everyone!

//BLACKOUT

NBA Fraud Hospital

CAST:

• A receptionist

• Terrence Williams

• Shannon Brown

• Tony Allen

• Desiree Allen

• Ronald Glen "Big Baby" Davis

• Poor Fred

INT: Doctor’s office waiting room with focus on reception area. All these NBA players in their respective uniforms are waiting to be called up.

[The receptionist is talking to another employee]

RECEPTIONIST 

Yes, I agree that we have to be on our guard because of this whole insurance fraud thing with those basketball players. … OK, who’s next?

[Terrence Williams approaches the counter.]

TERRENCE

Hi. Terrence Williams here for my check-up.

RECEPTIONIST

OK, looks like you’re here for your annual physical, a few X-rays, some physical therapy, and...clubfoot correction. Hmm… [judgy tone] Clubfoot correction, eh. Gonna get that corrected, huh?

TERRENCE

Yep. It’s really getting bad.

RECEPTIONIST

Yes, and it seems you were here last week for a few procedures as well. Would you like to pay your outstanding bill now? 

TERRENCE

No, no. I’ll do these and then do the lump sum later.

RECEPTIONIST

OK, well, then go in; the nurse will bring you back to the exam room.

TERRENCE

Thanks. 

[Terrence walks through the doors, nodding and smiling toward the other players]

RECEPTIONIST

OK, next!

[Shannon approaches the desk]

SHANNON 

Good afternoon, ma’am. Shannon Brown for my 2 o’clock appointment.

RECEPTIONIST

Great, let's get you checked in. Looks like you’re here for an annual physical, a few X-rays, some physical therapy, some quizzical therapy, Tennessee elbow correction, a tiny mammogram, and an assisted enema.

 SHANNON

Hmmm… Yep, that all sounds correct.

RECEPTIONIST

Sir, I don’t believe we offer assisted enemas here. Are you sure this list is correct? We have been dealing with some false claims lately.

SHANNON

Uh, yes, ma’am. I see a specialist in this clinic; he does things outside of the norm.

RECEPTIONIST

Outside of the norm...sure. But I can’t inquire further because of HIPAA laws.

SHANNON

Oh, yeah. That’s right. Why am I even telling you what I’m here for?

RECEPTIONIST

It’s for the--! You..you just do it, OK?

SHANNON 

Yes’m, sure. Can I go in now? My Tennessee elbows are killing me.

RECEPTIONIST

Yeah, yeah. Go ahead. 

SHANNON 

 Damn, damn damn! 

[Shannon walks through the doors. Tony and Desiree Allen approach the counter.]

RECEPTIONIST

OK, who’s next?

DESIREE

Hi there. Checking in for Tony and Desiree Allen. We’re here for our 2:15 appointment.

RECEPTIONIST

Ah, so you’ll be joining your husband for his appointment today?

DESIREE

Oh, no, no. We’re doing a combo. I dunno, something with the insurance. HMO rule or some nonsense. It’s too confusing for us.

RECEPTIONIST

Seems so. OK, so for Tony I have you down for your annual physical, some X-rays, a D-section, a spacemaker, a possible migraine, scrotal confusion, weight loss study, weight gain support, a yearlong sleep study, and an extra X-ray. Wait-- whaaaat is an extra X-ray?

TONY

You know, when they put that big heavy cloak on you for the X-rays but the cloak is extra heavy so you buckle under the weight and then they have to resuscitate you and, you know, that’s an extra cost.

RECEPTIONIST

OK, I’m going to have to check on that. I don’t think that’s a thing.

TONY

No, no, that’s definitely a thing. I’m here like every other week. My scrotal confusion is pretty much chronic at this point.

RECEPTIONIST

Scrotal confusion. OK...Mrs. Allen, let’s ensure we’ve got you checked in: Your annual physical, some X-rays, a colonoscopy, a spinal tap, a led zeppelin, a reverse colonoscopy, thumb war PTSD counseling, a urethra franklin, and looks like they want to double-check that paper cut you got last month. 

DESIREE

Yes, and I do need to update my paperwork…

RECEPTIONIST

Now, Mrs. Allen, I’m not a medical professional, but you’re just asking for trouble if you want to fill out that paperwork before you get that paper cut re-examined.

DESIREE

Fair enough. I’ll do that afterward.

RECEPTIONIST

Well, I can’t stop you, so you both can head in. 

[They walk through the doors, giggling quietly. Big Baby walks in.] 

Who’s next...looks like someone called Big Baby?

RONALD GLEN “BIG BABY” DAVIS

Oh, that’s me. That’s my nickname. Ronald Glen “Big Baby” Davis here for my test results.

RECEPTIONIST

Yes, we got all the results from your last visit. You were negative for peanut butter fingers, scarlet beaver, popeyes chicken pox, hand-foot-mouth pleasing, and...Big Baby, I’m sorry, but...you’re cancer diagnosis came back positive.

RONALD GLEN “BIG BABY” DAVIS

Haha, yep, yep… WAIT, WHAT?

RECEPTIONIST

You’re positive, Big Baby, for cancer.

RONALD GLEN “BIG BABY” DAVIS [slowly getting more and more anxious]

Wait, are you serious?! I...was just making a list for… for… Why did I lie about this?! I mean, will insurance even cover that??

RECEPTIONIST

OH, sorry. I misread it. You’re positive for kidney bean stones. You just need to pee those out.

RONALD GLEN “BIG BABY” DAVIS [calming down]

 Wait, for real? Not cancer? 

[receptionist shakes her head]

Oh, thank god! Oh, thank god! OK, I’m gonna turn a new leaf, right after I squeeze these beans out for cash!

RECEPTIONIST

Uh. Glad to hear, Mr. Baby. 

[BABY exits thru door. A man comes in, hands hovering over his crotch]

RECEPTIONIST

*sighs* I can’t tell the truthful claims from the lies anymore. Hi, can I help you?

POOR FRED

Hello, miss. I’m here to check in.

RECEPTIONIST

Do you have an appointment?

POOR FRED

Yes, my appointment is at 2:30; I think I’m early.

RECEPTIONIST

OK, what are you here for?

POOR FRED

Urethra Franklin... I know it sounds crazy, but I’m pretty sure I have it.

RECEPTIONIST

OK, the gig is up. That’s not a real disease.

POOR FRED

What? Yes, it is! Listen…

[camera pans to Fred’s crotch]

[FRED’S CROTCH in Aretha Franklin muffled voice]

~ R-E-S-P-E-C-T ~

RECEPTIONIST

Wha-- OK, right this way, sir.

BLACKOUT

Have big baby have URETHA FRANKLIN, not cancer and it ends with

Be Cool, B

[This is a diary entry written by Bowser where he recalls past attempts in wooing Peach.]

September 26, 1996

Sunny with scattered clouds

MAAAN, why is Peach looking at me like that? It’s like the face of a kidnapping victim! I work hard to make things right for us. I tidy up my castle, I give the car a nice polish, and I send the kid out to do some painting--all to make her feel at home. After all this time, doesn’t she realize this is where she belongs?

I admit, I tried unsavory tactics, but I can show a sweet side, too. I was BEGGED to join this recreational kart-racing group where my top speed TORE. IT. UP. How? Because I’m HUUUGE! Mwahahaaa!

I used to work alone. It…was lonely. Spitting fire at no one, jumping around like a mad-man… What was I thinking? Well, I wasn’t, so I needed a break. Especially with those two wimpy dudes--Mario and Luigi--sabotaging me. Those two brothers dressed like toddler clothing salesmen—I should jump over THEM! Game over, losers! But it’s never game over. They somehow keep resurrecting and causing me grief. YAAARGGH! I have to figure out what that resurrection trick is…

After I took some time off to re-evaluate my life, I came back feeling refreshed and ready to win my girl’s favor. I recruited some new minions to join my team—they just love being mean! Pfft. Still wasn’t enough to convince Toadstool this was fate. I set myself up in an even bigger castle surrounded by the full force of an army, those dudes come barging in, and she decides to run off to some island with them. I have this booming start-up, sending my fledglings out to travel the world, and I’m just some brute to her. BLAAARGH!

So, I took my team to that island because what girl doesn’t love persistence. Those two dopes, dressed like they’re about to bury their heads in a leaking toilet, were passed out on the beach. They brought MY girl to this dangerous island that could be inhabited by dinosaurs for all I knew. Ahhh nope, not on my watch, small fries. After rescuing her, we headed to my new island getaway. I built this sweet castle with my freakin’ name in neon lettering. (Pro-tip: chicks dig neon displays). There was this nut job bat that wouldn’t stop flying around the turrets. BAH! I hate persistence!

I gave my girl the keys to my awesome ride and told her she can fly anywhere she wants. She’s peeved saying that flying around that one back room is “weird” and I’m “weird” and she’d wait for her friends to pick her up. WHAT?! Those chumps would be better off becoming doctors overnight than trying to break into my…and she’s gone. WHAT THE… NOOO! Be cool, B. Don’t let the minions see you lose your cool.

Here we are today. I returned home after that terrible vacation and smelled something sweet: strawberries, cherries, FRAGRANT TEA? My snout led the way, and what do you know, after all our fights, my girl baked a cake for me. I entered her castle and WHOA—she put up some new paintings. None of them were portraits of me, but you know, just happy to be back together. I hurried upstairs to see her and—MAAAAN, why is she looking at me like that, AGAIN?! I’m not gonna let anyone get in the way this time! I call the troops to fortify my defenses, capture the castle’s stars—there’s 70, definitely—and keep my girl safe at the tallest tower…in a stained glass window. It just makes sense, OK? Those two ’staches won’t be able to get further than the front yard. They’ll need a whole lot more than the two of them to mess with me anymore. Gwa ha haaa… Did I hear the front door open? Did we seriously not lock the door?!

King of the Koopas,

Bowser